Apart From Me
by fugen
Summary: (rated 4 yaoi haters) used to be 'I Saw You There'. a series of angsty moments. hieiXkurama pairing
1. Once in a Lifetime Thing

Fugen: Hey, minna-san, I'm baaaaaaaaaaacckkkkk! Gomen nasai, but I had a lot of  
  
family stuff to do over the summer, and even before that, I had to start studying for final  
  
exams. Now I have to start studying for the SAT (which they just upped to 2400 instead  
  
of the normal 1600), but I'm BACK!  
  
Hiei: We're doomed...  
  
Fugen: OO you mean...you didn't miss me...?  
  
Hiei: We had ample reason to do just that, and we did.  
  
Kurama: Hiei, be nice. It's been a rather long time since she's last written anything.  
  
Hiei: So why're you complaining?  
  
Fugen: sniff well...I guess then...I'll just write a fic...WHERE YOU AND  
  
KURAMA NEVER GET TOGETHER AND ONE OF YOU DIES! MUA HA HA HA  
  
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Hiei: See?  
  
Kurama: All too well...  
  
Fugen: Ah! I in no way own YYH, neither do I own Hiei and Kurama! (But trust me, I wish I did. I really do. So all you other Hiei and Kurama fans, HANDS OFF! THEY'RE MINE!) By the way, this fic's about how Kurama and Hiei first met, but it's not the one from the manga. This one I made up completely, so don't you YYH manga people start throwing stuff at me, yelling, "HIEI AND KURAMA DID NOT MEET THAT WAY!"  
  
(Kurama's POV)  
  
I saw you. That's all I can say, at least, that's all I can say without having my  
  
heart start racing or my breath suddenly getting caught in my throat.  
  
I saw you. I saw you there in the shadows, the outline of your body barely  
  
visible, but I knew you were there. Your eyes gleamed like blood-red rubies, seemingly  
  
empty of emotion and yet, I felt the fire inside you. I could almost see the flames of  
  
defiance at the world, defying the customary fates for demons, such as death in infancy  
  
or total destruction of one's will. The latter I knew could never happen to you. You  
  
were too strong, too strong of heart and pride to even imagine such a thing happening to  
  
you. You were strong, and I saw your strength.  
  
As much as I saw all that, I saw your pain. You had suffered, as all demons do in  
  
their early days, and you still suffered from a pain you would not, you could not reveal  
  
to me. I felt the cold walls you had built around yourself, walls that showed themselves  
  
all too clearly in your eyes, keeping your emotions from being revealed.  
  
I wanted to take that pain away.  
  
How strange. I only saw you for a short moment, and for all I knew, you weren't  
  
even real, and only an ephemeral dream. But you were a wonderful dream, the kind that  
  
pulled one in and never let one go. Ironic, isn't it? From that moment, I knew I could  
  
never let you go, not from my heart, just as you wouldn't let me go. A futile thing to do,  
  
for at that moment, the very last thing I wanted was to be released from the dream that  
  
was you.  
  
How alien this feeling is to me. The intense desire to take away someone else's  
  
pain and suffering, not caring if they hated you, just as long as that person was happy. It  
  
was like the way I felt for my mother, but something more intoxicating (in a good way),  
  
more...indescribable.  
  
Someone once told me that there was something in life that came once, and only  
  
once. As a result, if you just passed that thing on by, if you failed to notice it or rejected  
  
it, that thing would never come again, never again. That was how precious it was, that  
  
thing. However, that someone never told me what that 'thing' was.  
  
But now...I think I know.  
  
Fugen: How's that for a comeback, people? And don't worry, I'll be doing a fic of the  
  
same thing next, only in Hiei's POV! And I might redo this one to make it longer.  
  
Hiei: Not bad...it doesn't involve any sort of glomping on me...  
  
Fugen: heh heh heh 


	2. A Sweet Illusion

To AnimeShadow: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Great to know that I don't suck! To Volpe Di Spirito: I'll try to update often and write more, but sorry, I can't make any solid promises. It's halfway thru july and I haven't done any work! Curse you, conscience! To Kumori Sakusha formerly Saelbu: Arigato gozaimas! It really is great, knowing that at least one of my fans haven't given up on me! Gomen for not writing anything for a looooonnnnnngggggg time. In gratitude for your sticking with me, this fic's dedicated to you! And Hiei...and Kurama...especially Hiei...THEY'RE MINE, YA HEAR? To Unseen rose: Thanks! Have to admit that I'm a yaoi fan, but too much of a good thing is bad for me (seriously), so I tried not to put too much into this one. Tried to keep it vague on the yaoi point, but sorry, it is yaoi. To ruby-dream: seriously? I love writing poems, but they all suck. I think use certain words a bit too much all the time. Thanks for saying that the first chappie was pretty! I'm really glad to know it. To all my reviewers: Thank you so very much! ( ) I was so afraid of getting flamed, but thank god, I'm alive! Hiei: I could do that... Kurama: They should say resisting temptation is a virtue...or in this case...a miracle...  
  
Who were you? Rather, what are you? No creature, demon or otherwise, could  
  
possess what you do. You put gems and silks to shame, the way your eyes gleam and  
  
reflect what they see, the way your hair is so red that it's like a rose with emerald  
  
centers.  
  
What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly acting like some poetic fool? For  
  
one thing, I loathe poetry (they really do come close to making me vomit), and even  
  
more so being a fool. One cannot survive long in any of the three worlds by being a fool.  
  
But how funny, how strange. At that moment, I could care less about that. My mind was  
  
empty. All I saw was you. You were there. Real. Somehow very real...  
  
No. You couldn't be real, for you were looking right back at me with eyes that  
  
bore no sign of disgust, contempt, etc., whatsoever. No one real could, much less would,  
  
have looked at me without feeling some feeling of intense pity or animosity. I was  
  
forbidden, not because I was so precious, but because of just the opposite. And yet, you  
  
looked at me if I really was something precious, something to be held and never let go  
  
due to my own self-value. Oh, I really feel like laughing at myself now. I would if I was  
  
the laughing type. I, the forbidden one, having someone caring about me? Even loving  
  
me? Ha! The gods are more likely to denounce and throw themselves into the worst of  
  
hell first!  
  
But I wish you were real. I wish you were real, that love was real and even more  
  
so with me. A familiar pain begins to spread throughout my body, a pain that originates  
  
from the knowledge that I was born alone, I live alone, I would continue to live alone,  
  
and I would die alone. The knowledge that nobody gave a damn about me. The  
  
knowledge that no one would worry about me if they didn't know where I was and hope  
  
I was safe, cry because I was suffering, want to be with me when I was lonely, heal my  
  
wounds without condition whenever I should receive any, or want to take my pain away  
  
and wish that I could be just as happy as anyone else. But happiness is a lie. Happy  
  
endings are all lies, something that can only be believed in storybooks. No one would  
  
mourn for me when I was gone. No one would even notice.  
  
But, if you were real, would you? Would you, at the very least, notice that I ever  
  
existed in the first place? That I, myself, was once very much real? I want to laugh and  
  
cry now. Worse than death or eternal suffering is knowing that, even if it lasts for just a  
  
minute, you are alone and not even forgotten, because no one has noticed you long  
  
enough to remember and then forget you. I know the meaning of being lonely, what it  
  
means and what it's worth. It is worth nothing, certainly not as much as you must be.  
  
If I came near, would you run or look upon me as some lowlife not worth even  
  
ignoring? If I spoke to you, would you condescend to me out of pity? Or would you  
  
actually be kind simply because you are? You look like perfection to me, so surely you  
  
can't be anything else. But then, perfection is a dream, something that is not real except  
  
in one's own mind.  
  
I wish I could forget you, then I wouldn't be feeling this new pain now. And yet,  
  
I would sell my soul so that I would never forget you. I would hate myself even more  
  
than I do now, if that is at all possible, if I did. Right now there is no worse punishment  
  
than the one of forgetting you.  
  
You were...the first sweet dream...in this ongoing nightmare of mine...and I  
  
thank you for it...but I still wish...I still wish that you were real.  
  
Fugen: How was that, everyone? Like it? Love it? Just please, don't flame me! That is,  
  
unless you're Hiei...  
  
Hiei: She's implying something...  
  
Kurama: I think that should be a bit clear to you, koi. 


	3. Ephemeral Fantasia

Fugen: Ohayo! I decided to add a bit more to this fic, as people seemed to like it, and I'm in my 'deep' mood again. Might be a bit short, though, as I'm writing this really late at night. Probably won't be able to put this thing in until tomorrow. Anyway, I'm sorry that I won't be able to individually thank my reviewers. Again, it's really late, I'm really sleepy, and my room is beckoning (because it has my bed and my only YYH poster in there). Oh, and be warned that this chapter has nothing to do with the real plotline of the story, belonging to Yoshihiro Togashi (did I spell that right?). Enjoy!

**Chapter 3: Ephemeral Fantasia**

I stand here, alone, on the cliff edge, and all is still. Not even the waters below crash against the cliffs as they usually do, probably because there's no wind right now. The skies above are layered with dull gray clouds that block the sunlight, creating a gloomy atmosphere. That is the last thing I need right now, a surrounding that dampens further my mood.

I've been reminiscing lately, a trait that I know is unlike me. Did you know that I consider the day I met you the day my life truly began? Do you know why?

Up to the day I met you, my 'life' was nothing more than a futile existence. What was I fighting to live for? Even then, I knew that my pride, my only shield and weapon then, wasn't worth a thing to live on for. I was in a world, an existence, where no one gave a damn if I was to die, no one would cry for me if I was suffering, no one would worry about me if my location was not known to them, and no one would mourn me where I was gone.

And then I met you. For the first time in my 'life', someone wanted me. Someone actually wanted to talk to me, to see me, to be with me. Someone actually wanted to be, at the very least, my partner in battle, and not because of my power, potential or otherwise. Someone actually wanted me for me.

It is only now that I realize that I was wrong. Someone only _seemed_ to want me. Someone _seemed_ to want to talk to me, to see me, to be with me. Someone _seemed_ to want to be with me for me. The belief that it was all reality was nothing more than a mere fantasy I made up in my head, the happiness I felt then nothing more than a fleeting dream. I had been a naïve, stupid child. I had never really been alive at all.

I realized this when you began drifting away from me. That was when you met Yusuke, Kuwabara, and the others. I began realizing that the only reason you even _seemed_ to want me around was because I was a demon. I could provide for you a link to your past life, your past life as a fox demon thief, your past life as a fox demon thief in the demon world. I could be a link to the time when you were free from all human restraints. But that was all I was to you, other than a useful person to have around in a time of battle. When Yusuke and the others came along, they offered to you more direct links to your past freedom, and a friendship that I thought I had given you. At first I had thought that I had perhaps given you the wrong thing, only to realize that I was just an unexpected but useful pawn. As you say, checkmate.

But, you know, I don't regret anything at all. I don't regret meeting you and having my heart broken only a year or so after. I don't regret having met you and only imagined joy. I don't regret it at all, because although I have never experienced the real thing, I know at least what a false version of it is. I know what it costs, and now certainly what it's worth. It costs everything, and it's worth everything. Wanting oneself to be happy...is that really the most selfish desire of all? I wonder.

I remember your happy face when the Makai Tournament finally ended and you were all free to go back home. I remember you standing in the circle that I stood well outside of, the one including Yusuke and the others. I wonder, did you even notice my absence at all?

One thing is clear. I am no longer needed. I no longer possess any ability to make you happy in this human life of yours. You have better friends, real friends who are not pawns as I am to you. You will one day give your heart to someone that is not me. The person who will become the center of your world will never be me. I will never have such a chance to make you happy for the rest of your life, because I am but a pawn, your pawn, a pawn now thrown away, lying in the shadows, forgotten and alone.

I accept it now. I accept the fact that I was born alone, that I had lived and now live alone, and I shall be alone for the rest of my life. I accept the fact that I was never really alive. I accept the fact that the time in which I thought I was, is actually a dream. A short dream, but the sweetest one I shall ever have.

I lift my eyes to the dull gray sky, and hope to dream again.

**Owari**

Fugen: Whoa. I never knew I had so much angst in me.

Hiei: (broods)

Kurama: Hiei, you know that's not true! You're not a pawn to me!

Hiei: (broods)

Kurama: Fugen! You better fix this right now!

Fugen: W-What'd I do? I swear I did nothing wrong!

Kurama: You've made Hiei think that I don't love him! It's all your fault!

Fugen: This is FICTION, for Inari's sake! FICTION! As in, NOT real! C'mon, give me a break!


	4. Cold

Fugen: Continuing, continuing. Had to change the title, though. I'm getting WAY off title. I'm getting more and more angsty...must be the other fics I'm reading...read this really good one earlier today, but I forgot what it was called...

**Chapter 4: Cold**

It's been years since we met, years since I first began to change, years since I saw you, met you, fell in love with you. I still love you, you know, but I wonder, do you care about me at all? Even as a friend? I have so many questions, but no answers.

It's raining now, and the heater's on, but I feel so cold. My body shivers without warning, and not with the kind of cold that affects any living human being. There's a void inside me, a void so real that it weighs down my chest and sucks all warmth within me into oblivion. I can even see it in my mind's eye. It's white, ghastly white, the untainted color in which there is nothing. Not even my mother's love could possibly add color to it.

Hiei, I feel so cold...I need you here with me...

And I've been having a disturbing dream lately to add to it all. I'm in the middle of that white void, and everyone is standing in a group, their backs facing me. You're standing apart from them, just as I am, but...you're not with me either.

At one point in the dream, I start walking toward the others, but the closer I get, the further away they get from me, sliding into and shrinking in the distance. Then, feeling panicked, I start running toward you, but the same thing happens. I reach out toward you, but you just glance at me as if I'm nothing, then start walking away, without a second look back.

That's when I wake up. That's when I start crying.

You haven't visited me for so long. I've heard that you're growing stronger, that you're still Mukuro's heir, but that is all. You never contact anyone, myself included, much less visit. How I wish you would. Every sound I hear becomes a tap on my window or a deep 'hn', and silence automatically becomes a silent smirk or scowl. Fireworks no longer please me because they remind me of you, thus creating the pangs in my chest grow worse. I miss you, Hiei, don't you know that? Can't you see how much I want to at least hear from you, or confirm that you're absolutely happy with or without me? Aren't I still at least a friend? A teammate with whom it is easier to talk than with any other?

I'm so cold...so cold...

**Owari**

Fugen: Short, I know, but it looked longer when I typed it. Anyway, I'm gonna be deleting my fic 'Still Here With You', which I'm near mortified at creating. If you protest against it, please say so when you review. If enough people protest, I'll leave it on, and maybe even redo it to make it better.


	5. The Distance In Between

Fugen: This is...different. I just add to it every now and then, like some kinda...website? Oh well. More short chaps! (I swear, it still looks longer when I type it!)

**Chapter 5: The Distance In Between**

In the middle of a white void, you stand in a group of people, the ones you call our friends. You're talking and laughing together...without me. I stand apart from you, watching all of you enjoy yourselves, not even noticing that I am not with you, but still just a short distance away.

I call to you. No one, you in particular, answers. I stretch out my hand or take a step forward. You, with the others, suddenly begin to glide away from me, as if in a hurry to get away from me as quickly as possible. Why? What have I done to be avoided like this, by **you**. Can't you hear me? Or sense that I am near? Or is it that you do hear and sense me, but refuse to acknowledge me, much less turn toward me, at the very least.

No one wanted me born. No one wanted me to live. You were the first to refute that fact, the first to scorn and scoff it, the first to tell me that it's just the opposite. And now, in a sudden turn of face, you don't even look at me. You shut me from your mind and heart in one cold shut of the door, and I come face-to-face with the dark abyss that I drowned in when I was a child, the same one you saved me from.

Was it all a dream then? Or a heartless trick? At least answer me that question, and then answer me why.

When I awake, I hope this to be a nightmare.

**Owari**

****


End file.
